gudixation activated

oh heart, stop beating vigorously,
dont jump out of my body,
oh heart, stop already,
cause i cannot stop shaking tremendously.

i am neither cupid nor Apollo,
but, i might have spread love,
and love backfired to me,
as my poorly skilled archery
to be blamed for.

*gila sekejap selepas kursus memanah*

oh heart, he would never be yours. so, stop dreaming.

they turn into pieces

with hardship, he built up the castle,
but, they went hassle,
everything turned into mess,
sands cluttered everywhere else,

i tried to rebuild it,
but failed, who am i?
i cant strengthen it,
is there still any hope? i'm wishing for the star high.

T_T

~Speak The Truth Even If It Be Against Yourself~

Prophet Muhammad (Sallallaahu Alayhi Wasallam) said,

"Forgive him who wrongs you; join him who cuts you off; do good to him who does bad to you and speak the truth even if it be against yourself"

oh Allah, why?

i prayed for that thing but He gave me the opposite.
i wanted to be away from that person but He gave me a separation with people i dont want to be separated instead just to be with that person. why oh why?

and why should i be thinking about you all the time? i'm tired. i just want to be away from you mentally and physically this holiday just to heal my wounded heart hurt by you mercilessly.

i guess this play doesnt reach the ending part yet. well, i guess i should be ready with my mask to put on again.

  credit to nurel yana

i'm a good actor, am i not? because hypocrisy is my food. let the play begins.

in a meantime, i should enjoy this time where i dont have to pretend to be someone else. i'll just be me.

dude!

dude! come on! stop dreaming..!!!!!

you will never care.

The prettiest smiles hide the deepest secrets. 
The prettiest eyes have cried the most tears. 
And the kindest hearts have felt the most pain.. :)


_azreena_


i dont have prettiest smile, eyes and the kindest heart. 
but, i do have the pains. 

but no one, including you will ever care.

but,i have Allah. and thats enough. i'll find another kain buruk to wipe out the blood.

Alhamdulillah.

its hard

♥ maafkanlah, walaupun hati TAK MAMPU bertahan..
♥ maafkanlah, walaupun hati terpaksa menanggung KEPERITAN..
♥ maafkanlah, walaupun hati berkata TIDAK..
♥ maafkanlah, walaupun hati ini SELALU disakiti..
♥ maafkanlah, walaupun hati merasa TERPAKSA..

~> kerana dengan sebuah KEMAAFAN dapat memberi kesejahteraan, kebahagiaan, keindahan & ketenangan dalam kehidupan kita..InsyaAllah..♥

humans

manusia xpernah bersyukur. pentingkan diri, xpernah nk bka mata melihat nasib org lain. merungut dan merungut dan merungut, sampai satu tahap, Allah turunkan ujian, utk manusia sedar, apa yang dia buta selama ini. kau xpernah merasa. yaa... dont ever think that you are right just because He didnt show it to you.. yet. He has His own ways..

so, manusia, be grateful, stop complaining and whining, open your close minded mind, see through your blinded eyes,. Allah itu adil.

yes, i'm complaining. i am human after all. so, stop.

the story about her

"leka nk apa, bgtau, makchq beli". that is what she said to me when i was sulking, wandering around at some mall. i was a kid, full of anger. i was alone. literally. like hell i care.

"haa..? xpayah la.. hehe" turning away. back to being ignorant and blurry. slow motion and stupid kid. "why did i have to come here, not that i can get anything, i dun have my parents here. whats the point?", i said to myself (p/s: after translated to english). i had to come here with my aunts and my cousins to buy them things.

i was looking at a pencil case. a lonely-have-to-stay-in-that freaking-house 7 years old kid liking a cute pencil case was normal. but, what could i say, i couldnt buy it. i dun have my parents with me! and i was freaking mad to my cousins. i was mad to my parents, i was sad, i was jealous. i was only 7 years old!

"leka suka? makchaq beli na?" me looking away, wanted to rebel everything. no need. no need. i dun need other's sympathy. "dak aahhh... xpa,.." answered me, people parents buying me things instead of my parents. oh how i hate this f**king place.other kids excited when they went out with their mom and dad to a mall, me?? i wanted to go home. i hate this house. why they had to sent me here?!

when we were home, my aunt called me and gave me the pencil case. and smiled. i loved the smile. really.


******years passed*****

yes. this story is about her. my aunt. not just any aunt, but my mak chaq. i remembered when i was "mentally tortured" in the house, she was the only one who smiled at me, loved me.
if it came to english, i would ask her. and gently, she would answer it. i hated my years there. i cant remember any memories there except her. memories of her. she was the only strength i had. and when she moved from there, i felt like a cripple. when my friend from london wrote me an english letter, i would run to her and ask her to read and translate it for me.
she would stop her work and read me my letter. the way she read something, looking above her glass, i loved it. i like the way she explains something.
i liked the way she never scold me like everyone else scolded me for being so stupid.
i liked the way she said so politely and gently.
i like the way she supported me whenever i'm about to fall down.
i liked the way she praised me in everything i do when others see me like a freak.
when others never praised me.
i liked the way she said "makchaq xdk ank pompuan" and smiled at me. like she wanted to consider me as her daughter.
i liked the way she never bad mouthing people, she never saw people's flaw. everyone is flawless. i swear she never whining or complaining. never. the most optimist person i've ever met.
not optimist, but the greatest. the greatest person in this farted up world, the greatest mother, the greatest aunt.
her sons were so lucky to have her as their mother.
she was so strong to raise all her 5 sons by herself without her husband.


you know that i didnt like to be a teacher because i dont deserve for it. and for some part, because teachers are suck, they never believed their students, they always shitting around about how bad their students are, they act almighty, they think they are right, they judge people without asking the truth, they believe all stupid bitches, they are bias, they are not even trying to be close to students,they never put hope for hopeless students, and more importantly, they just want money, they never want to sincerely teach knowledge, give their knowledge. but all they give is shit.

yes, makchaq was a teacher, an english teacher.


******when i was in kmkn.*****

mak chaq was so sick. i didnt have the chance to visit her. not once. she was starting to forget people's faces by the time i was in kmkn. my mom said that they went to visit her, and the first thing she said when she saw my parents was,

"mana leka?"

i was nearly cry when my mom told me. i was like, oh, mak chaq's gonna get well soon, i will visit her when the holidays start.

one night, when i was studying for my exam, i suddenly missed her.

"hello, ngah? mak chaq cmna?? ok ka dak??"

"owh.. mak chaq dok kt hospitl.. xtau la, ngah nk p tgk pon, wan sapa nk jga??" her voice changed and i smell something fishy.

"tu la, leka pon xtgk lg.. mak kta, mak chaq tnya psl leka, dua kali dh mk ngan abah p, dua kali mkchaq tnya leka." i dont know why, but suddenly,i started to cry.

silent.....

"xpa la, ni dh lwat dh ni" and i swear, i heard ngah's silent cry. ang she hung up on me.

i was crying, i really dont know why.

********

"mak chaq dh xdk" that was the sentence when my brother texted me. i was walking at that time. i collapsed.

*********

"tolong la, cikgu. dpa nk simpn mak sedara sya esok. saya nk mintak sehari ja cuti, lpas kelas saya p, saya xkn ponteng kelas!"

"nak wat cmna, saya terpaksa ikut prosedur, tulis surat pengecualian dan saya akan pertimbangkan permohonan kamu"

fart you. fart you.

********

the moment i saw makchaq's body, i broke down. people were crying.

*****

when many people crying over a person's death, it means that the world is losing someone who was great and kind. the kindest.

2009.. Salmah binti Ismail


************today********


this morning i went to their house. cleaning stuff because they are moving. when we clearing things, we found something that belongs to makchaq.
a card, an old card that have been bitten by rats given by her former student 2 years before makchaq's death.

"assalamualaikum. pertama sekali saya ingin ucapkan selamat Hari Raya buat cikgu yang senantiasa dihargai jasamu. di kesempatan ini juga ingin benar saya memohon ampun dan maaf kiranya selama 17 thn yang lalu ada saya menyakiti dan menyusahkan cikgu... hehehe... mungkin cikgu dah x ingt lg akan anak murid cikgu yang satu nie.. tp saya tetap akn ingt 'cikgu Salmah' buat selamanya... kerana jasa cikgu lah saya dapat menjadi diri saya sekarang nie... jasa cikgu akn dikenang selalu... cikgu Salmahlah yang pertama merotan dan menarik telinga saya yang nakal nie.. teringin benar rasanya nak berjumpa dgn cikgu.. insyaAllah ada rezeki, dapat juga sya berjumpa dgn cikgu Salmah.. akhir kata, sambutlah aidilfitri ini dengan sempurna. terimalah salam hormat dan kasih drpd anak muridmu yang nakal ini...-mohd hafiz bin ramli."


not knowing that her beloved teacher had already gone.


i was touched the first time i read this. i was like, the teacher that i only saw in TV is actually existed. was. the kind of teacher that teach students, and students remember them from their primary school, until they've gotten old. mak chaq was the most favorite teacher in her school i think because she received zillions of presents from students every time teachers' day came. even from her former students. three buses of her students came to her funeral.


i respect her. can i become a teacher or perhaps a lecturer (insyaAllah) like her??

be grateful

i taouched my sis-in-law's tummy yesterday. i was so amazed. i mean, for some people, its not a big deal. but for me,i felt like ... new. new experience in your life like when you first time eating a pizza.

anyway, i started to wonder how great Allah is, He can create something with order and everything. first, brain, the most important part of the body, inner organs and outer organs. and He blows 'soul' in them. subhanallah. and here we are now. a complete human being, his hamba. yet, we never thnkful and be grateful to Him for giving us all this nikmat. say Alhamdulillah.. Alhamdulillah Allah. (i dont know what i'm babling bout here. i wanted to tell you more, but i couldnt find the english words!)

be grateful with everything you have.

p/s: may Allah bless my sis-in-law and her baby and my brother.

"la in syakartum la azidannakum wa la in kafartum inna 'adzabi la syadiid" ibrahim:7

jika kamu mensyukuri atas nikmatku, nescaya aku akn menembahnya. tetpi apabila kamu mengingkarinya, sesungguhnya azabku amat pedih.

i'm sorry, i dont have the english translation.

3 things

three little things happened to me today:

1. i got the news. and after i got the news, my eyes suddenly stop puckering. what is the meaning?? i hope for that. okay, tomorrow, i'll collect up my courage to call dr. Maiza. pray for me.

2. challenge accepted. i challenged myself to draw 21 pieces of craps. well, since i got back, i only finished it 5 so far. the due date is coming!

3. my bathroom door squeak itself without no one in it. i scared me to death, but when i told my mom. she laughed non-stop. why oh why? oh, its my face. she said.

life is about choices

my future is like a dark road, i can hardly see whats ahead me. it really dark that i cant even walk properly. ii dont know where its gonna lead me to. i just walk and walk and walk with nothing in my mind. i have no idea whtas waiting me in the front, were there lights? beast animals that will eat me up, or were there someone who is smiling at me, waiting for to take her/his hand to bring me to happiness? or maybe lead me to hell (nauzubillah)? i dont know anything.i cannot go back, i cnt run away, i have to walk till the end. the end of what? my life? or the road? i dont know.. i wish i can go back to where i had to choose this road. i had two options to choose. the beginning of this road, there were two branches. but i chose the one which is the clearer road instead of the other. i wanted to choose the other, but, i dont have the key to open the gate which is seal with large lock. i could hv tried to find the key, but i didnt. its a half way already when i wonder why this road (the road that i chose) is very gloomy and dark. i cried along the way. i regretted with my decision. i couldnt accept it, i hated this road. there was no light at all, i coulndt see anything, my mind was blank. until one day, i saw a firefly. a little bit of light that show mt the way, litle by little, a group of fireflies that glow brightly came to show me the way. i was so glad. i was finally had a litlle hope that i can see the road. suddenly, i can see the road ahead. i saw two branches, again. this time the other road dont have the lock seal. but, there was thorny bushes around and along the way. i have to endure those pain along the way. i dont to make the same mistake, i dont want to be regret, this time i have the chance to correct my mistake. but i'm afraid that that way also a mistake. i'm afraid of whats waiting ahead me. should i contiue my journey? or take the other road. i cant stop walking, the brances is nearer, i cannot procrastinate anymore. which way should i choose? Ya Allah, berikan ak petunjuk yg mna takdirku yang telah kau tetapkan, yang mna satu yg terbaik utkku.. ak buntu ya Allah, tunjukkan ak ya Allah... bantulah ak dlam membuat keputusn yg btol.. ameenn

about her again

its about her again, u know who. the coolest girl, midori.

anyway, recently, she went to FOSTER THE PEOPLE concert, again, FOSTER THE PEOPLE. (people, its them, oh my!!!!!!!!!!! i hate it! i hate the fact that i can never go to any concert!)

anw, she wrote in her blog about the day, and it was as awesome as it gonna be. i'm so damn jealous. but, whatever, aaaaarrrrrrghhh!!

life has no turn back, you can never go back to your youth after you've entered the adulthood. live your life to the fullest. and my youth was wasted already.

oh my...

dude, i thought you already moved on! just get over 'her'!!!!!!!!! so, please have nothing when u look at 'her' facebook! oh please, dun even look at 'her' facebook.! thats why i said, dun ever listen to boybands' songs, bitch!

sob sob... oh heart, please listen to my mind, dun listen to my feeling.
o Allah, if 'she' wasnt for me, please, please get rid of those feeling, cover my heart please. astaghfirullah...

lets ask for His forgiveness, guys! (^___^)

'baby, you light up my world like nobody else, you dont know you beautiful, thats what makes you beautiful_one direction.'

princess enough??

damn boyband song!




" ya Allah, kau hijabkanlah pandangan dan hatiku dari lelaki2 yang bukan kau takdirkan untukku (ustz Afriza, 2008)"